LYRICS FOR THREE "CANADIAN STATISTICS SPOOF SONGS",
     PERFORMED BY JEFF ROSENTHAL ON MAY 27, 2014 AT THE SSC ANNUAL MEETING

(The lyrics in CAPITAL LETTERS should be sung by everyone.)

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"EACH CANADIAN STATISTICIAN"

(to the tune of "John Brown's Body" / "The Battle Hymn of the Republic"
  / "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah" / "Solidarity Forever")

(Based on Canadian stereotypes:  Nice / considerate / justice / fairness
  / multiculturalism / Quebec separation / equalisation payments / ...)

[Key of G ... C harmonica ... harmonica solo after each chorus.]

Chorus:
EACH CANADIAN STATISTICIAN
FOLLOWS IN THE SAME TRADITION
WE'RE ON A VERY SPECIAL MISSION
TO TREAT OUR DATA NICE!

When we encounter outliers, we throw those points away
But first we stop and smile, and say, "Have a lovely day!"
We've started up a charity to help them find their way
We treat outliers nice!

Equations can be useful, but sometimes they make us freak
It isn't multicultural if every symbol's Greek
We're switching to Cyrilic now, and Hebrew script next week
We treat all symbols nice!

Toutes nos analyses sont traduites tout de suite en français
Nous travaillons très fort pour que personne soit offensé
Ça sera dommage si quelqu'un veut se séparer!
Le français, it is nice!

When data's not symmetric we might take a log or two
But then we say we're sorry if we've inconvenienced you
We tuck in every value with a blanket when we're through
Our transforms must be nice!

We believe in fairness, we treat everyone the same
The world is harsh, and evil inequalities are to blame
From now on, writing equals signs will be our only game
Equalities are nice!

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"BETTER DO WHAT HE SAYS"  (to the tune of 12-bar blues)

[Key of E ... A harmonica ...]

(guitar intro)

  (E) There's a man
That I know
He can give you big awards
Or leave you the lowest of the low
  He's got so much (A) power
Your fate is in his hand
He's (E) here and there and everywhere
He'll make you understand
  (B) YOU BETTER DO WHAT HE (A) SAYS
HE'S THE SSC (E) PREZ

  He oversees your actions
He controls who you are
He can cut you from the program
Or make you the next star
  If you need a favour
He'll say, "Only in your dreams"
He can push you forward or hold you back
He isn't what he seems
  YOU BETTER DO WHAT HE SAYS
HE'S THE SSC PREZ

(harmonica solo)

  When it's time to give awards
Or to recognise the schools
When decisions get decided
He makes all the rules
  He can lift you up to great heights
With the stroke of his pen
But if you dare to question him
He'll pull you down again
  YOU BETTER DO WHAT HE SAYS
HE'S THE SSC PREZ

(One more time!)
  YOU BETTER DO WHAT HE SAYS
HE'S THE SSC PREZ

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"S-S-C"   (to the tune of All Of Me)

[Key of C ... no harmonica ...]

S-S-C
COME JOIN THE S-S-C
CAN'T YOU SEE
WE'RE NO GOOD WITHOUT YOU
TAKE OUR JOURNAL, YOU CAN READ IT
TAKE OUR DATA, WE DON'T NEED IT

WHEN WE MEET
IT'S ALWAYS SUCH A TREAT
LET US GREET
YOU AT OUR CONFERENCE
WE'LL HAVE A BLAST
IT ALL GOES SO FAST
WHEN YOU'RE AT THE S-S-C!

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