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  "LUMBERJACK" BAYESIAN SPOOF LYRICS

(by Jeffrey Rosenthal ... to the tune of the Monty Python "Lumberjack" song)

CHORUS:
Oh, I'm a Bayesian, and I'm okay
I sleep all night and compute all day
I quantify uncertainty
With probability

VERSES:

On Wednesdays I teach inference
As a decision tree
I hope all of my students
Will turn out just like me

I go ISBA meetings
They really make me think
Should I lie on the beach now
Or have another drink

I started my own journal
To read throughout the days
I'll publish any paper
That somewhere mentions "Bayes"

I'll always be a Bayesian
I don't play any games
When Frequentists come near me
I call them nasty names

Oh, if you read my papers
And disagree with me
Then I will just ignore you
That's "subjectivity"

I always have a prior
On everything I please
Right now I know the log odds
That you're about to sneeze


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  VALENCIA  (by Gareth Roberts ... to the tune of "New York, New York")

Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it -- Valencia
My Bayesian friends are coming to stay
Right through the very heart of it -- Valencia

I wanna wake up, in a conference, that doesn't sleep
And find my talk was a hit, top of the heap.

These frequentist blues, are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it -- in Valencia
If I.S.B.A.'s there, there's no need, to dispair
It's up to you, Va...len...ci...a
Valen...cia!

(piano solo)

I want to wake up in a conference, that never sleeps
And find I'm "A" number one, my talk was a hit
  My model did fit, I conned them a bit!

(modulate one full tone up)

These frequentist blues, are melting away
I'm glad I was a part of it, in Valencia
If I give a poster there, I'll be well known, everywhere

It up to you, Va...len...ci...a

Valen...cia!

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  WHAT A BAYESIAN WORLD

(by Jeffrey Rosenthal ... to the tune of "What a Wonderful World")

I want A given B
But know B given A
So I flip it around
The other way
And I think to myself
What a Bayesian world!

I know what I know
Then see what I see
And update my thoughts
Conditionally
And I think to myself
What a Bayesian world!

Bridge:
  I go for a walk
  And feel the sun's rays
  Everyone smiles
  Sayin', "I love Bayes"
  Yes I form opinions
  From the data, it's true
  But I had opinions
  Before that, too

(piano solo)

(repeat Bridge)

I take the probability
Of A intersect B
And divide by P
Of all of B
And I think to myself
What a Bayesian world!

Yes I think to myself
What a Bayesian world!

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The Number (to the tune of "The Boxer" by Paul Simon)

(lyrics by Paul Weiss, Pat Kilgo, and Lance Waller)

   I am arbitrary but my story's often told
   That Fisher, in his wisdom, came away with several tables only Pearson sold
   The legend goes,
   Of the columns that he borrowed
   Only one in twenty holds
   Of the columns, only one in twenty holds.

   Now the fundamental question is, "How strange is strange enough?"
   To reject the null hypothesis needs more rigidity than "5%'s enough."
   It seems unwise,
   Basing all these big decisions
   With no room for compromise
   And it's all because of these two grumpy guys.

   Point Oh-Five! p is less than point oh-five,
   Point Oh-Five! and significance arrives at Point Oh-Five!

   While writing their proposal we become their only friends
   We work all night for peanuts, but when the funding comes around the
     friendship ends.
   We do report
   All the hours we have spent
   Not stopping short
   Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

   Point Oh-Five! it's the reason we're alive,
   Point Oh-Five! Just like drones inside the hive at Point Oh-Five.

   As I'm filling out my billing sheet, reporting my lost hours
   I'm alone, when all the ACTSI researchers start calling me
			(*note* ACTSI is the CTSA at Emory)
   Calling me.
   Leave me alone...

   In the courtyard a statistician with a laptop by his side,
   In the darkness, running SAS jobs,
   Making power calculations for his sample size.
   He cries out, in his anger and his shame,
   "We'll need hundreds, maybe thousands, or this difference is the same!"
   It's still the same... at Point Oh-Five.

   At Point Oh-Five! another study down the drain,
   Point Oh-Five! significance is not attained at...
   Point Oh-Five! That PI has got a frown,
   Point Oh-Five! `Cos his grant is going down, thanks Point-Oh Five

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